Originally I was going to post about a couple of epiphanies that I had this past weekend, but the breaking news is too good to keep to myself. I’m going to burst with joy if I keep it to myself much longer!
So here goes… Wednesday morning I didn’t have to report for work which meant that I didn’t roll out of bed at 5AM like a zombie per usual. Instead, the sun was shining and my first thought was to look nice for Chase in class this morning. Why the hell not? Normally I would grab whatever was at the end the rack or settle for my default cream colored university athletics t-shirt which has been entering the rotation with increasing frequency. However, this was a new day and I picked out a striped polo shirt and some sweet shorts. In the process I managed to shortchange myself time wise and was late despite driving instead of the walking/running in to campus. I hate being late!
Thankfully I managed to slip in unobtrusively to find that the only open seat was right next to Chase. Oh my god, here was my opportunity!! The seats are extremely close together (shoulder to shoulder) and they are those old fashioned wooden notetaker chairs with the small writing tablet attached. As soon as I settled in, unintentionally giving Chase an eye level view of my backside as I turned to fit into the small desk opening, Chase put his elbow on my desk just inches from my hand while I was pretending to take notes. Truth to be told I don’t remember anything from that lecture! Just how Chase smelled, how sexy it felt to be able to feel all of his body movements through my desk, and to be so close to such a cute guy. This could be seriously detrimental to my GPA, but there’s more to life than numbers. Don’t get me wrong, I am conscientious and hard working, but this is just too damn good to pass up! I’m young and optimistic, and for the first time am ready to take a chance. No more calculated decisions for potential payoff far into the future and putting myself last. It starts HERE and NOW!
I laugh thinking about how the professor must have noticed my perma-grin that was present the entire lecture. For the first time I felt truly free in that I really didn’t care if she or other people realized what was going on. I felt completely safe, and I absolutely melted in the sense that I wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable and give in to my emotions. Holy sh-t, now that’s a feeling! Chase, all I can say is I hope its mutual baby!
So back to what I was originally going to say. Last Saturday I met my younger brother, who also attends the same university, to catch up over Chinese. I see him less now that we are within a one mile radius than I did when we were on opposite coasts during my first two years in college. Thankfully we can reconnect and be caught up within three minutes because we know each other that well. I asked him if there were any cute coeds on the horizon, and he preceded to tell me about this tall, attractive blonde whom we have dubbed Spanish Girl. My brother is sweet and all, but is clueless when it comes to making moves and chatting someone up! On a second thought I’m not really one to talk, but I have an opportunity to prove myself by giving things a shot with Chase. With some encouragement and ego stroking that only a big brother knows how to provide my brother was on his way. The next day my mom called and we ended up talking about how I need to help my brother pursue Spanish Girl. Well, what about me?! Don't I also have feelings, and do I deserve anything less in the way of relationships than her other son? I believe that she still isn’t really comfortable asking about my personal life since I came out to her just a little over a month ago. It’ll take time, but I want to be able to share my happiness with her because I know she worries about my well-being and my future. It occurred to me when I was out running that I can set a good example for my brother by walking the talk and turning my thoughts into actions with Chase. Perhaps mom will be ready for me to share more of my life with her when she sees how upbeat I am now. Friends and professors have commented that I seem to be more alive than ever so something’s working!
Last but not least, I met one of my closer gay friends, D, to attend the blue jeans brunch that was being sponsored by the Gay and Lesbian Alumni Association. Sure we were college students in it for free food, but I figured that it would be a good experience to step into that realm again after my success at the bbq. We quickly realized that it was NOT a drop in affair. It was a dialogue which had started over an hour ago so we bolted! Something touching happened during our three hour lunch that followed. We shared deeply personal experiences about coming out. It’s human nature to believe that we are the only ones suffering the paralyzing inability to embrace our true selves, and settling for just going through the motions. We rob ourselves of so many opportunities to be happy and fulfilled while more or less imprisoning ourselves in largely mental sense. At least that was my experience. My socially conservative “town” which is over 100,000 people but feels like its only 100 the way the society is stratified. It seemingly impossible for me to accept myself. D told me about how in rural Louisiana he had found the single gay bar for miles around online. After high school school was out for the day he preceded to visit it and walked around the block five times to muster the courage to enter while looking over his shoulder to see if family members or acquaintances were around. Sadly there was not much to see inside since there were no patrons at 4PM that afternoon, but it was a poignantly symbolic experience. I admire all of the younger people who paved the way to my coming out at 23, and deeply respect the courage that they demonstrated to be themselves at such a young age.
Back to living!
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