It was recently brought to my attention that planning on asking a guy out is not the same as actually doing it. Sounds simple enough, but it was a light bulb moment so to speak. I’ll readily admit that there’s a disconnect between the thoughts and the things that I say in my head, and what I actually end up acting on. People would be shocked to know that this goody two shoes is actually one horny son of a gun! Don’t most guys think about sex ninety percent of the time? Scientific research confirms this, and I'm hardly an exception to the rule. Over time I have learned to self-censor any behaviors that aren’t remotely PG rated. I am not perceived as a sexual person as much as a good friend to confide in and ask for help. Being on autopilot meant never taking any risks and constantly playing it safe. Well that worked well for me when I wasn’t ready to accept myself, but that's now behind me. Ultimately I am cheating myself and those around me by not acting on my thoughts.
But then a funny thing happened this weekend. My university kicked off a 1.6 billion dollar capital campaign in a huge white air conditioned tent (think of a multi-million dollar celebrity wedding)with a lavish evening celebration. Earlier in the day I had seen some of the pretty boy male event planners and even made eye contact with them. I even passed by the hot performers in their tight black tank tops and tights! The highlight of this event was a Cirque du Soleil style performance, which to my delight couldn’t have possibly been any more homoerotic. My favorite part was two incredibly athletic male performers who performed series of elaborate kama sutra style poses where they supported each others body weight. All of this with one performers crotch passing over the other’s face and vice versa! It was truly mind blowing that this was a "family safe" event. They were shirtless and wore tight velvet dance tights, and what wouldn’t I have done to have had the super cute, compactly built crotch rocket?! I guess my university designed the performance to appeal to all demographics, and let me tell you, it worked.
I ended up sitting next to two of my gay friends (what were the odds with 1,800 in attendance) so we talked afterwards over food. The same forward guy who I mentioned in the bbq post was pointing across the room at random campus Casanovas asking if they were my type. I’m all for directness, but seriously man don’t you think I know what I want by now? Guess I need all of the help that I can get and shouldn't pass up any opportunities, but that's bad form. Next time lets be a bit more discrete when the university president is only 5 feet away! It was all good fun, then I met baseball player for dinner with the intent to come out to him. We went to a pedestrian area a couple of miles from campus with an eclectic mix of ethnic restaurants and bars and walked around before settling on the Crescent Moon. Good choice! Something must have been in the air because I continued to make eye contact with passers by, and baseball even proceeded to share with me intimate details about his own life which guys normally don’t talk about. Unfortunately he made a comment that curbed my plans to come out to him, but time is waning. I’ll never live down my squeaky clean reputation if I don’t get the ball rolling. That’s going to take some serious action on my part.
An update on Chase and another lead to come…
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Fight on!
There's some good Saturday night entertainment in store with the highly anticipated game this evening. USC, ranked # 1 nationally and projected to dominate the Pac 10, plays Ohio State, ranked #5, at 8:00PM EST tonight! Check it out.
This is an unusual early season match up of two top ranked teams. It should be a very good football game, and the price is certainly right. I'll be wearing the SC colors as an honorary Trojan since both of my parents are alumni, and my university doesn't have a football team.
And I leave you with this image.
Would you like some meat with that?
This has been a week of many firsts for yours truly, and its safe to say that my emotions have spanned the entire spectrum within mere hours! The forces must have been with me on Friday because I still have a huge grin on my face thinking back on it. And no guys, I didn’t get any action. Baby steps, but very important ones at that.
In my architecture class I got to sit right next to my crush, Chase. It’s hard to explain, but this seems to be my first crush that may be reciprocated because I tend to fall for the hot guys at work with whom I don’t have a snowball’s chance. So Chase and I had Logic together last semester, and I thought he was cute, but he always came with Erica Shwartz which lead me to believe he was straight so we never talked or made eye contact. All while he sat one chair over to my left! Fate would have it that he would end up on the Art History Club exec board where I serve as Vice President, and at our first exec meeting of the semester I really came out of my shell because I was excited about the events that I planned, and the two of us went back and forth. Immediately a red flag went off when I realized he had to be gay. Of course I wanted to confirm my intuition on Facebook, finding his profile blocked, but guess who friended me minutes later? That’s right, Chase!!
Moving on, I then met my advisor for lunch at the classy café that’s in the museum on campus. It marked the first time I had eaten there, or met with a professor outside of a strictly academic setting. We ended up talking about everything including the elections, particularly Palin, where I defended my conservative fiscal views, but liberal social views. Out of the blue she asked if I had been dating any guys, and told me how happy her daughter is in her relationship with her lesbian partner! I said the usual “I’m not ready to date yet” stuff (my major hangups), and ran to play indoor tennis. For the first time in four years, and I came to a poignant courtside realization during my rally with a friend. I had spent so much of my life just going through the motions and not really being invested in the moment, and still managed to accomplish a fair amount. I remember taking my weekly tennis lessons and being told I was doing a good job, but I sort of resented my parents for having to do it and wanted it to be overwith. I basically didn’t really apply all of the advice that the coach was giving me, and it all came back during the rally and wow… a sharp mind freed of burdens can do wonders! All of the grips, strokes, footwork, strategy came rushing back! It was so much fun, and I’m back in the swing of things so to speak.
For the coup de etat, I showered and changed into a polo shirt which I left untucked with shorts and flip flops (my best attempt at casual) for the GLBT office sponsored bbq by the pool. This was a major event for me because it physically and metaphorically represents my very first foray into the gay community, albeit within the somewhat sheltered environment of my university. As I made my way up the hill to the pool like the lone wolf, I scanned the scene on the pool deck and freaked out when I didn’t see anyone that I knew. Within seconds I had gone from being calm and composed, and I dare say even slightly confident, to being a basket case sitting on a bench paralyzed! Watching the quaffed pretty boys arriving only made it worse causing me to wonder if I had missed the memo on the GQ-esque dress code with designer jeans, Italian sunglasses, and fitted tops. I ended up texting my roommate who said something to the effect of “I’m here if you want to go home.” Just as I read the message, lo behold, one of my gay friends who I came out to in August came around the corner and I walked in to the bbq laughing with him.
I had finally made it! In semesters passed I would want to go to these types of events, but always got so anxious about not knowing anyone etc. I took in the scene and was amazed that 6 people that I knew were there. They were extremely kind to introduce myself to some of their friends, and it was great fun catching up with them and checking out the people in the peripherary. It turns out that my gaydar is damn good because many of my “suspects” were in attendance including a hot guy in my PE class who I’ll refer to as SC from now on. The highlights including talking to a friend who asked me if anyone there was my type. I chuckled in disbelief, I am quite proper and PC for your info, and laughed before telling him that SC had caught my eye and I told him about Chase. For the majority of the evening, I stood huddled in a triumvirate with two good friends and we discussed everything under the sun. I am a bit ashamed to say that I was wide-eyed with fascination when the discussion turned to who’s with who, confirming suspected gays on campus, and even who was a bad lay. Good grief! As much as I was enjoying exploring this new realm, I was taken aback by a couple of things. One, I have had so much anxiety about going to these events because it’s a very insider type atmosphere with small groups engaging in discussions and there I was in the middle of an impregnable formation turning the bbq into a meat market. Literally I was doing the very things that I had despised! Secondly, I need to take advantage of new opportunities rather than clinging to my comfort zones because I don’t want to seem unapproachable. It’ll be a good way to practice putting myself on a limb!
All in all, lots of interesting firsts. I left to meet my former roommate and close friend who’s on the baseball team, will now refer to him as “baseball player” at his apartment to go on our evening run. The two of us walked past some of the guys that had also been at the bbq, and they gave me kind of a smug look. Is this something anyone is familiar with? Sort of a community greeting? Did they think baseball player and I are together? Haha, as good looking as he is I am just not attracted to him thank goodness. When we approached my apartment complex we saw a Cabrio with lots of people that I had seen at the social, and they too smiled back. Hmm, it’s a small little world!
So now I plan on coming out to baseball player, but want to do it right so that it isn’t awkward between the two of us. He is open minded and in fact, he is the one who encouraged me to do what I enjoy and to stop following my pre-professional path to make other people happy. We shall see, and then there’s scheming about my next move with Chase. Become friends? Hmm, that’s a catch 22 because I really want a relationship not a fling, but at the same time it’s a great excuse for me to not have to put myself out on a limb by just playing it safe and enjoying his company in a no-risks environment.
In my architecture class I got to sit right next to my crush, Chase. It’s hard to explain, but this seems to be my first crush that may be reciprocated because I tend to fall for the hot guys at work with whom I don’t have a snowball’s chance. So Chase and I had Logic together last semester, and I thought he was cute, but he always came with Erica Shwartz which lead me to believe he was straight so we never talked or made eye contact. All while he sat one chair over to my left! Fate would have it that he would end up on the Art History Club exec board where I serve as Vice President, and at our first exec meeting of the semester I really came out of my shell because I was excited about the events that I planned, and the two of us went back and forth. Immediately a red flag went off when I realized he had to be gay. Of course I wanted to confirm my intuition on Facebook, finding his profile blocked, but guess who friended me minutes later? That’s right, Chase!!
Moving on, I then met my advisor for lunch at the classy café that’s in the museum on campus. It marked the first time I had eaten there, or met with a professor outside of a strictly academic setting. We ended up talking about everything including the elections, particularly Palin, where I defended my conservative fiscal views, but liberal social views. Out of the blue she asked if I had been dating any guys, and told me how happy her daughter is in her relationship with her lesbian partner! I said the usual “I’m not ready to date yet” stuff (my major hangups), and ran to play indoor tennis. For the first time in four years, and I came to a poignant courtside realization during my rally with a friend. I had spent so much of my life just going through the motions and not really being invested in the moment, and still managed to accomplish a fair amount. I remember taking my weekly tennis lessons and being told I was doing a good job, but I sort of resented my parents for having to do it and wanted it to be overwith. I basically didn’t really apply all of the advice that the coach was giving me, and it all came back during the rally and wow… a sharp mind freed of burdens can do wonders! All of the grips, strokes, footwork, strategy came rushing back! It was so much fun, and I’m back in the swing of things so to speak.
For the coup de etat, I showered and changed into a polo shirt which I left untucked with shorts and flip flops (my best attempt at casual) for the GLBT office sponsored bbq by the pool. This was a major event for me because it physically and metaphorically represents my very first foray into the gay community, albeit within the somewhat sheltered environment of my university. As I made my way up the hill to the pool like the lone wolf, I scanned the scene on the pool deck and freaked out when I didn’t see anyone that I knew. Within seconds I had gone from being calm and composed, and I dare say even slightly confident, to being a basket case sitting on a bench paralyzed! Watching the quaffed pretty boys arriving only made it worse causing me to wonder if I had missed the memo on the GQ-esque dress code with designer jeans, Italian sunglasses, and fitted tops. I ended up texting my roommate who said something to the effect of “I’m here if you want to go home.” Just as I read the message, lo behold, one of my gay friends who I came out to in August came around the corner and I walked in to the bbq laughing with him.
I had finally made it! In semesters passed I would want to go to these types of events, but always got so anxious about not knowing anyone etc. I took in the scene and was amazed that 6 people that I knew were there. They were extremely kind to introduce myself to some of their friends, and it was great fun catching up with them and checking out the people in the peripherary. It turns out that my gaydar is damn good because many of my “suspects” were in attendance including a hot guy in my PE class who I’ll refer to as SC from now on. The highlights including talking to a friend who asked me if anyone there was my type. I chuckled in disbelief, I am quite proper and PC for your info, and laughed before telling him that SC had caught my eye and I told him about Chase. For the majority of the evening, I stood huddled in a triumvirate with two good friends and we discussed everything under the sun. I am a bit ashamed to say that I was wide-eyed with fascination when the discussion turned to who’s with who, confirming suspected gays on campus, and even who was a bad lay. Good grief! As much as I was enjoying exploring this new realm, I was taken aback by a couple of things. One, I have had so much anxiety about going to these events because it’s a very insider type atmosphere with small groups engaging in discussions and there I was in the middle of an impregnable formation turning the bbq into a meat market. Literally I was doing the very things that I had despised! Secondly, I need to take advantage of new opportunities rather than clinging to my comfort zones because I don’t want to seem unapproachable. It’ll be a good way to practice putting myself on a limb!
All in all, lots of interesting firsts. I left to meet my former roommate and close friend who’s on the baseball team, will now refer to him as “baseball player” at his apartment to go on our evening run. The two of us walked past some of the guys that had also been at the bbq, and they gave me kind of a smug look. Is this something anyone is familiar with? Sort of a community greeting? Did they think baseball player and I are together? Haha, as good looking as he is I am just not attracted to him thank goodness. When we approached my apartment complex we saw a Cabrio with lots of people that I had seen at the social, and they too smiled back. Hmm, it’s a small little world!
So now I plan on coming out to baseball player, but want to do it right so that it isn’t awkward between the two of us. He is open minded and in fact, he is the one who encouraged me to do what I enjoy and to stop following my pre-professional path to make other people happy. We shall see, and then there’s scheming about my next move with Chase. Become friends? Hmm, that’s a catch 22 because I really want a relationship not a fling, but at the same time it’s a great excuse for me to not have to put myself out on a limb by just playing it safe and enjoying his company in a no-risks environment.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
And so it begins...
I arrive on the blogger scene having greatly benefited from reading about other's experiences as well as receiving advice and encouragement, and I hope to be able to contribute in return. The internet served as a catalyst and inspiration of sorts to muster the courage to come out first to my younger brother in November 2007, then later to my close friends from college over winter break, and finally to my parents just weeks ago in August. Unfortunately, the community that I come from in central California is fairly conservative and not as accepting as one would hope to find in the new millennium. There's always room for improvement, and I believe that all things happen for a reason- both good and bad. Perhaps part of my purpose in life is to expose a relatively sheltered subset of the population to gay people, and to challenge their preconceived notions of homosexuality. I'm certainly up for that challenge in convincing family friends to vote NO on Proposition 8!
During my junior year in college (last year), I came to the painful realization that I had not been in the driver's seat for nearly 22 years! As a very determined and hard working individual I have been extremely fortunate in my young life to have been able to accomplish anything that I set my sights on. Whether it was becoming the president of my elementary school, making the tennis team in high school, or getting into my first choice college it always seemed that the odds were with me. As an outgoing person I always did what others wanted for me so long as it guaranteed respect and good standing in society (along with financial security of course). This faulty pattern of operating finally caught up with me when I found myself dreading law school applications which everyone around me seemed to be more excited about than I was. "Ed, you will make a great lawyer! I can't wait to hear where you apply." I was not emotionally invested in my plans, and for the first time I found myself seriously conflicted. I knew and accepted that it didn't feel right to continue going through the motions, but was terrified of exploring the unknown to discover that I didn't know myself at all. My dreams, ambitions, strengths, passions etc were suddenly up in the air. Of course there was that other minor detail that had been shoved to the back burner- my attraction to guys!
I'm a work in progress as I move closer towards appreciating and respecting my true self, and freeing myself to act on my desires. See, I can be quite the taskmaster who likes to create an illusion of control to avoid anxiety about the future. I find myself at a crossroads of sorts where the real world awaits and I have the opportunity to take advantage of a fresh start. The job search commences this week as I plan to work for a year and half to gain some skills and experience before taking on grad school. Truth to be told, I can't decide if I want to take a major risk and pursue design school to become an interior designer or architect, or if I should play it safe and get a stable graduate degree in my primary major, psychology. Two things are certain: money does not necessarily equate happiness, and I don't ever want to be closeted again.
By writing in this blog I look forward to observing my personal growth over time and having a forum to reflect, discuss, and perhaps even create a dialogue about issues that are important to me as a multi-faceted young gay man. I also hope that others who find themselves in my situation don't feel as alone or unworthy as I once did. Please feel free to reach out anytime, and no question is too stupid or too personal to ask. I'm a caring person who will do everything to help those who can respect me for who I truly was made to be. Last but not least, I hope that I will eventually be able to share this blog with my family and close friends so that they can better understand who I truly am.
Tune in for less serious stuff next time!
During my junior year in college (last year), I came to the painful realization that I had not been in the driver's seat for nearly 22 years! As a very determined and hard working individual I have been extremely fortunate in my young life to have been able to accomplish anything that I set my sights on. Whether it was becoming the president of my elementary school, making the tennis team in high school, or getting into my first choice college it always seemed that the odds were with me. As an outgoing person I always did what others wanted for me so long as it guaranteed respect and good standing in society (along with financial security of course). This faulty pattern of operating finally caught up with me when I found myself dreading law school applications which everyone around me seemed to be more excited about than I was. "Ed, you will make a great lawyer! I can't wait to hear where you apply." I was not emotionally invested in my plans, and for the first time I found myself seriously conflicted. I knew and accepted that it didn't feel right to continue going through the motions, but was terrified of exploring the unknown to discover that I didn't know myself at all. My dreams, ambitions, strengths, passions etc were suddenly up in the air. Of course there was that other minor detail that had been shoved to the back burner- my attraction to guys!
I'm a work in progress as I move closer towards appreciating and respecting my true self, and freeing myself to act on my desires. See, I can be quite the taskmaster who likes to create an illusion of control to avoid anxiety about the future. I find myself at a crossroads of sorts where the real world awaits and I have the opportunity to take advantage of a fresh start. The job search commences this week as I plan to work for a year and half to gain some skills and experience before taking on grad school. Truth to be told, I can't decide if I want to take a major risk and pursue design school to become an interior designer or architect, or if I should play it safe and get a stable graduate degree in my primary major, psychology. Two things are certain: money does not necessarily equate happiness, and I don't ever want to be closeted again.
By writing in this blog I look forward to observing my personal growth over time and having a forum to reflect, discuss, and perhaps even create a dialogue about issues that are important to me as a multi-faceted young gay man. I also hope that others who find themselves in my situation don't feel as alone or unworthy as I once did. Please feel free to reach out anytime, and no question is too stupid or too personal to ask. I'm a caring person who will do everything to help those who can respect me for who I truly was made to be. Last but not least, I hope that I will eventually be able to share this blog with my family and close friends so that they can better understand who I truly am.
Tune in for less serious stuff next time!
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