Would you like some meat with that?

This has been a week of many firsts for yours truly, and its safe to say that my emotions have spanned the entire spectrum within mere hours! The forces must have been with me on Friday because I still have a huge grin on my face thinking back on it. And no guys, I didn’t get any action. Baby steps, but very important ones at that.

In my architecture class I got to sit right next to my crush, Chase. It’s hard to explain, but this seems to be my first crush that may be reciprocated because I tend to fall for the hot guys at work with whom I don’t have a snowball’s chance. So Chase and I had Logic together last semester, and I thought he was cute, but he always came with Erica Shwartz which lead me to believe he was straight so we never talked or made eye contact. All while he sat one chair over to my left! Fate would have it that he would end up on the Art History Club exec board where I serve as Vice President, and at our first exec meeting of the semester I really came out of my shell because I was excited about the events that I planned, and the two of us went back and forth. Immediately a red flag went off when I realized he had to be gay. Of course I wanted to confirm my intuition on Facebook, finding his profile blocked, but guess who friended me minutes later? That’s right, Chase!!

Moving on, I then met my advisor for lunch at the classy café that’s in the museum on campus. It marked the first time I had eaten there, or met with a professor outside of a strictly academic setting. We ended up talking about everything including the elections, particularly Palin, where I defended my conservative fiscal views, but liberal social views. Out of the blue she asked if I had been dating any guys, and told me how happy her daughter is in her relationship with her lesbian partner! I said the usual “I’m not ready to date yet” stuff (my major hangups), and ran to play indoor tennis. For the first time in four years, and I came to a poignant courtside realization during my rally with a friend. I had spent so much of my life just going through the motions and not really being invested in the moment, and still managed to accomplish a fair amount. I remember taking my weekly tennis lessons and being told I was doing a good job, but I sort of resented my parents for having to do it and wanted it to be overwith. I basically didn’t really apply all of the advice that the coach was giving me, and it all came back during the rally and wow… a sharp mind freed of burdens can do wonders! All of the grips, strokes, footwork, strategy came rushing back! It was so much fun, and I’m back in the swing of things so to speak.

For the coup de etat, I showered and changed into a polo shirt which I left untucked with shorts and flip flops (my best attempt at casual) for the GLBT office sponsored bbq by the pool. This was a major event for me because it physically and metaphorically represents my very first foray into the gay community, albeit within the somewhat sheltered environment of my university. As I made my way up the hill to the pool like the lone wolf, I scanned the scene on the pool deck and freaked out when I didn’t see anyone that I knew. Within seconds I had gone from being calm and composed, and I dare say even slightly confident, to being a basket case sitting on a bench paralyzed! Watching the quaffed pretty boys arriving only made it worse causing me to wonder if I had missed the memo on the GQ-esque dress code with designer jeans, Italian sunglasses, and fitted tops. I ended up texting my roommate who said something to the effect of “I’m here if you want to go home.” Just as I read the message, lo behold, one of my gay friends who I came out to in August came around the corner and I walked in to the bbq laughing with him.

I had finally made it! In semesters passed I would want to go to these types of events, but always got so anxious about not knowing anyone etc. I took in the scene and was amazed that 6 people that I knew were there. They were extremely kind to introduce myself to some of their friends, and it was great fun catching up with them and checking out the people in the peripherary. It turns out that my gaydar is damn good because many of my “suspects” were in attendance including a hot guy in my PE class who I’ll refer to as SC from now on. The highlights including talking to a friend who asked me if anyone there was my type. I chuckled in disbelief, I am quite proper and PC for your info, and laughed before telling him that SC had caught my eye and I told him about Chase. For the majority of the evening, I stood huddled in a triumvirate with two good friends and we discussed everything under the sun. I am a bit ashamed to say that I was wide-eyed with fascination when the discussion turned to who’s with who, confirming suspected gays on campus, and even who was a bad lay. Good grief! As much as I was enjoying exploring this new realm, I was taken aback by a couple of things. One, I have had so much anxiety about going to these events because it’s a very insider type atmosphere with small groups engaging in discussions and there I was in the middle of an impregnable formation turning the bbq into a meat market. Literally I was doing the very things that I had despised! Secondly, I need to take advantage of new opportunities rather than clinging to my comfort zones because I don’t want to seem unapproachable. It’ll be a good way to practice putting myself on a limb!

All in all, lots of interesting firsts. I left to meet my former roommate and close friend who’s on the baseball team, will now refer to him as “baseball player” at his apartment to go on our evening run. The two of us walked past some of the guys that had also been at the bbq, and they gave me kind of a smug look. Is this something anyone is familiar with? Sort of a community greeting? Did they think baseball player and I are together? Haha, as good looking as he is I am just not attracted to him thank goodness. When we approached my apartment complex we saw a Cabrio with lots of people that I had seen at the social, and they too smiled back. Hmm, it’s a small little world!

So now I plan on coming out to baseball player, but want to do it right so that it isn’t awkward between the two of us. He is open minded and in fact, he is the one who encouraged me to do what I enjoy and to stop following my pre-professional path to make other people happy. We shall see, and then there’s scheming about my next move with Chase. Become friends? Hmm, that’s a catch 22 because I really want a relationship not a fling, but at the same time it’s a great excuse for me to not have to put myself out on a limb by just playing it safe and enjoying his company in a no-risks environment.