And so it begins...

I arrive on the blogger scene having greatly benefited from reading about other's experiences as well as receiving advice and encouragement, and I hope to be able to contribute in return. The internet served as a catalyst and inspiration of sorts to muster the courage to come out first to my younger brother in November 2007, then later to my close friends from college over winter break, and finally to my parents just weeks ago in August. Unfortunately, the community that I come from in central California is fairly conservative and not as accepting as one would hope to find in the new millennium. There's always room for improvement, and I believe that all things happen for a reason- both good and bad. Perhaps part of my purpose in life is to expose a relatively sheltered subset of the population to gay people, and to challenge their preconceived notions of homosexuality. I'm certainly up for that challenge in convincing family friends to vote NO on Proposition 8!

During my junior year in college (last year), I came to the painful realization that I had not been in the driver's seat for nearly 22 years! As a very determined and hard working individual I have been extremely fortunate in my young life to have been able to accomplish anything that I set my sights on. Whether it was becoming the president of my elementary school, making the tennis team in high school, or getting into my first choice college it always seemed that the odds were with me. As an outgoing person I always did what others wanted for me so long as it guaranteed respect and good standing in society (along with financial security of course). This faulty pattern of operating finally caught up with me when I found myself dreading law school applications which everyone around me seemed to be more excited about than I was. "Ed, you will make a great lawyer! I can't wait to hear where you apply." I was not emotionally invested in my plans, and for the first time I found myself seriously conflicted. I knew and accepted that it didn't feel right to continue going through the motions, but was terrified of exploring the unknown to discover that I didn't know myself at all. My dreams, ambitions, strengths, passions etc were suddenly up in the air. Of course there was that other minor detail that had been shoved to the back burner- my attraction to guys!

I'm a work in progress as I move closer towards appreciating and respecting my true self, and freeing myself to act on my desires. See, I can be quite the taskmaster who likes to create an illusion of control to avoid anxiety about the future. I find myself at a crossroads of sorts where the real world awaits and I have the opportunity to take advantage of a fresh start. The job search commences this week as I plan to work for a year and half to gain some skills and experience before taking on grad school. Truth to be told, I can't decide if I want to take a major risk and pursue design school to become an interior designer or architect, or if I should play it safe and get a stable graduate degree in my primary major, psychology. Two things are certain: money does not necessarily equate happiness, and I don't ever want to be closeted again.

By writing in this blog I look forward to observing my personal growth over time and having a forum to reflect, discuss, and perhaps even create a dialogue about issues that are important to me as a multi-faceted young gay man. I also hope that others who find themselves in my situation don't feel as alone or unworthy as I once did. Please feel free to reach out anytime, and no question is too stupid or too personal to ask. I'm a caring person who will do everything to help those who can respect me for who I truly was made to be. Last but not least, I hope that I will eventually be able to share this blog with my family and close friends so that they can better understand who I truly am.

Tune in for less serious stuff next time!