Putting Central CA on the Map

This truly touched my heart when I came across the headline on Towleroad.com earlier this afternoon in between classes. Never would I have thought that such progress would be made in the central valley, arguably one of the most socially and politically conservative regions in the state. A red puddle in the middle of a blue state if you will. Although Fresno is the sixth largest city in the golden state, at times it feels as backwards and closed-minded as a rural hamlet, population 6. Fresno's cultural cognate is considered to be Tulsa, Oklahoma minus the former "Oil Capitol of the World"'s art deco skyscrapers, lush rolling hills, and storied past which turned farmers into millionaires overnight. The point being that Oklahoma is regarded as the buckle of the bible belt as is Fresno.

All things considered, it took extraordinary courage for this priest to risk losing his conservative congregation altogether by taking a stand against Proposition 8 and coming out in such a public manner. I'm moved that half of his congregation stood behind him, but I'm also saddened by how much additional progress will be necessary to truly achieve equality for all Americans. Granted I'm optimistic and see a glass half full. It's genuinely humbling to see that not all Christians in central California feel it's necessary to secede from the Episcopal church as soon as a gay bishop, Gene Robinson of New Hampshire was ordained. That's a whole post unto itself. Point being, mindsets are slowly changing even if its half a congregation at a time. All of this because one person came out. Now that's encouraging!

Fresno, California Priest Comes Out As Gay, Speaks Out Against Prop 8
Now here's an exemplary Christian.

Father Geoffrey Farrow of the Saint Paul Newman Center in northeast Fresno received a standing ovation from half his congregation after offering up a sermon about loving thy neighbor and then urging his congregation to vote against Proposition 8, the California measure that would ban same-sex marriage. He also came out to the local ABC news reporter in an interview following his mass.

Said Farrow to his congregation: "In directing the faithful to vote 'yes' on Proposition 8 the California bishops are not merely entering the political arena, they are ignoring the advances and insights of neurology, psychology, and the very statements made by the church itself that homosexuality is innate."

He added: "I know that these words of truth will cost me dearly. But to withhold them would be far more costly and I would become accomplice to a moral evil that strips gay and lesbian people of their civil rights but of their human dignity as well."

He said that questions from his parishioners needing direction on how they should vote, as well as his own conscience inspired him to give the sermon and come out of the closet.

Farrow has been an ordained Catholic priest for 23 years.

Watch the local news footage here http://abclocal.go.com/kfsn/story?section=news/local&id=6431105

Off to get some sleep because conquests can't be made with an absent mind. More later!

The Many Faces of Chase

Have you ever pondered the meaning behind a name? Probably not since it’s such a random topic, but I realized the other day THREE of my crushes on various levels, including my current one, have had shared the name Chase. Interestingly enough, they have all been on the preppy side of the spectrum with trim builds and long wavy dark blonde/medium brown hair. A mere coincidence? I think not. After all what else can you expect from a boy’s name that is of English and Old French origin that means “hunter?” It was derived from the last name (surname) that translates to “huntsman.” I know, how WASPY, but from my (albeit limited) experience guys named Chase needed to be hunted or rather chased after.

Meet “Collegiate” Chase.


This picture captures the essence of Chase whom I met freshman year when we lived on the same hall. His roommate was in our “Breakfast Club” meaning that I saw lots of Chase. This motley crew was my innermost circle freshman year. The six of us all had 8:30AM classes so we met at the dining hall at 8 to commiserate over coffee and cereal. On the weekends we would cram into a claustrophobic dorm room to watch a movie and sleepover or we’d have DDR contests (Digital Dance Revolution, not exactly our finest hour) since first years couldn’t have cars on campus per university rules. We were behind the curve in that we didn't discover alcohol until sophomore year. Interesting fact: all three of the guys in the "club" including myself were closeted at this time. I’m the only one who has come out, the other two haven’t accepted themselves just yet. FYI, this was one of the salacious conversations that went down at the LGBT bbq where the general consensus confirmed my suspicions.

The guys in Breakfast Club were all from relatively conservative backgrounds, but none more so than Collegiate Chase. This Georgia Boy had a twang you wouldn’t believe and was about as southern as they come (red Mustang convertible with monogrammed vanity plates, Coke with every meal including breakfast, and a mother with blonde hair that defied gravity no doubt thanks to cans of hairspray.) As a sheltered only child he returned to his small North GA town every weekend to only return on Monday with brand new Polo outfits for the coming week. We liked to joke that he never did laundry!

I can still remember during orientation how I was taken with his deep tan, perfectly coiffed Farah Faucet hair, and his beyond outrageous preppy gear. If he doesn’t have skin cancer by our 20th class reunion I swear no one will! This Chase liked to model himself after Indiana Jones which I believe factored prominently into his decision to become an anthropology major. He even enjoyed looking the part these past two years with his Ray Ban Aviators and olive green felt wool hat a la Indy. My roommate had a crush on him this past semester, but I didn’t want to see her heartbroken so I told her about my reservations.

I digress, but check out the snarky sartorial commentary by clicking on the above photo. Preppy or just gay? Now that’s the question to ponder both for the model photographed and Chase's case. Tough call, but too many red flags in Chase's case.

Now meet “Celebrity” Chase.


Don’t ask me why, but this Chase (google Jesse Spencer) did it for me during the darkest days of my junior year. It was during this period last year when I finally started acknowledging my attraction to guys but was scared of losing the friends, accomplishments, and lifestyle that I had worked so hard to secure. This cute-as-a-button Chase was a safe target since there was obviously no risk involved. It allowed me to shamelessly acknowledge my feelings and make eye contact for longer than two miliseconds. I remember that I even found his character’s high maintenance if not downright prissy persona on House to be adorable. Perhaps that was naivete on my part because I couldn't differentiate purely physical attraction from the powerful mutual affection that forms the basis for relationships. I suppose most people tune in to to enjoy Dr. House’s (British comedian Hugh Laurie) cynical antics, but this budding mo was all about catching Celebrity Chase’s sexy blue eyes. I’m busted! Thankfully this dormant phase come to pass when I felt comfortable enough to start exploring the possibilities that surrounded me in real life. I slowly came out of the closet over the remainder of the year and this summer. Then a tangable Chase entered my life! Thanks Celebrity Chase for being there, you got me to accept myself for who I truly am without feeling ashamed and you gave me a taste for what it's like to truly be living.

Last but certainly not least, meet my current crush: Chase!


Pictures really can't do him justice because Chase has the most adorable smile that you have ever seen and he's full of life! He’s truly original in the sense that you really can’t really categorize him. Yours truly is hopelessly smitten by this tall, lanky Art History major with dark hair and a killer sense of style. Guys like this don’t stay on the market for long so moves need to be made NOW! A new POA (plan of action) is in place so I just need implement it and quit being so darn nervous to follow through. Wish me luck so that I have can share good tidings!

Oh, and have any of you guys noticed similarities between guys with the same name like this or is this just a freak occurrence? Do certain names do it for you more than others? I’m not necessarily a superstitious person, but it seems as though it might be a message. I let the other Chases slip through my hands, and I’m not about to let it happen again since life is much too short for missed opportunities.

On to the chase of the proverbial huntsman who’s waiting to be hunted!

Blue jeans brunch and the Spanish Girl

Originally I was going to post about a couple of epiphanies that I had this past weekend, but the breaking news is too good to keep to myself. I’m going to burst with joy if I keep it to myself much longer!

So here goes… Wednesday morning I didn’t have to report for work which meant that I didn’t roll out of bed at 5AM like a zombie per usual. Instead, the sun was shining and my first thought was to look nice for Chase in class this morning. Why the hell not? Normally I would grab whatever was at the end the rack or settle for my default cream colored university athletics t-shirt which has been entering the rotation with increasing frequency. However, this was a new day and I picked out a striped polo shirt and some sweet shorts. In the process I managed to shortchange myself time wise and was late despite driving instead of the walking/running in to campus. I hate being late!

Thankfully I managed to slip in unobtrusively to find that the only open seat was right next to Chase. Oh my god, here was my opportunity!! The seats are extremely close together (shoulder to shoulder) and they are those old fashioned wooden notetaker chairs with the small writing tablet attached. As soon as I settled in, unintentionally giving Chase an eye level view of my backside as I turned to fit into the small desk opening, Chase put his elbow on my desk just inches from my hand while I was pretending to take notes. Truth to be told I don’t remember anything from that lecture! Just how Chase smelled, how sexy it felt to be able to feel all of his body movements through my desk, and to be so close to such a cute guy. This could be seriously detrimental to my GPA, but there’s more to life than numbers. Don’t get me wrong, I am conscientious and hard working, but this is just too damn good to pass up! I’m young and optimistic, and for the first time am ready to take a chance. No more calculated decisions for potential payoff far into the future and putting myself last. It starts HERE and NOW!

I laugh thinking about how the professor must have noticed my perma-grin that was present the entire lecture. For the first time I felt truly free in that I really didn’t care if she or other people realized what was going on. I felt completely safe, and I absolutely melted in the sense that I wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable and give in to my emotions. Holy sh-t, now that’s a feeling! Chase, all I can say is I hope its mutual baby!

So back to what I was originally going to say. Last Saturday I met my younger brother, who also attends the same university, to catch up over Chinese. I see him less now that we are within a one mile radius than I did when we were on opposite coasts during my first two years in college. Thankfully we can reconnect and be caught up within three minutes because we know each other that well. I asked him if there were any cute coeds on the horizon, and he preceded to tell me about this tall, attractive blonde whom we have dubbed Spanish Girl. My brother is sweet and all, but is clueless when it comes to making moves and chatting someone up! On a second thought I’m not really one to talk, but I have an opportunity to prove myself by giving things a shot with Chase. With some encouragement and ego stroking that only a big brother knows how to provide my brother was on his way. The next day my mom called and we ended up talking about how I need to help my brother pursue Spanish Girl. Well, what about me?! Don't I also have feelings, and do I deserve anything less in the way of relationships than her other son? I believe that she still isn’t really comfortable asking about my personal life since I came out to her just a little over a month ago. It’ll take time, but I want to be able to share my happiness with her because I know she worries about my well-being and my future. It occurred to me when I was out running that I can set a good example for my brother by walking the talk and turning my thoughts into actions with Chase. Perhaps mom will be ready for me to share more of my life with her when she sees how upbeat I am now. Friends and professors have commented that I seem to be more alive than ever so something’s working!

Last but not least, I met one of my closer gay friends, D, to attend the blue jeans brunch that was being sponsored by the Gay and Lesbian Alumni Association. Sure we were college students in it for free food, but I figured that it would be a good experience to step into that realm again after my success at the bbq. We quickly realized that it was NOT a drop in affair. It was a dialogue which had started over an hour ago so we bolted! Something touching happened during our three hour lunch that followed. We shared deeply personal experiences about coming out. It’s human nature to believe that we are the only ones suffering the paralyzing inability to embrace our true selves, and settling for just going through the motions. We rob ourselves of so many opportunities to be happy and fulfilled while more or less imprisoning ourselves in largely mental sense. At least that was my experience. My socially conservative “town” which is over 100,000 people but feels like its only 100 the way the society is stratified. It seemingly impossible for me to accept myself. D told me about how in rural Louisiana he had found the single gay bar for miles around online. After high school school was out for the day he preceded to visit it and walked around the block five times to muster the courage to enter while looking over his shoulder to see if family members or acquaintances were around. Sadly there was not much to see inside since there were no patrons at 4PM that afternoon, but it was a poignantly symbolic experience. I admire all of the younger people who paved the way to my coming out at 23, and deeply respect the courage that they demonstrated to be themselves at such a young age.

Back to living!

Thoughts are not Actions

It was recently brought to my attention that planning on asking a guy out is not the same as actually doing it. Sounds simple enough, but it was a light bulb moment so to speak. I’ll readily admit that there’s a disconnect between the thoughts and the things that I say in my head, and what I actually end up acting on. People would be shocked to know that this goody two shoes is actually one horny son of a gun! Don’t most guys think about sex ninety percent of the time? Scientific research confirms this, and I'm hardly an exception to the rule. Over time I have learned to self-censor any behaviors that aren’t remotely PG rated. I am not perceived as a sexual person as much as a good friend to confide in and ask for help. Being on autopilot meant never taking any risks and constantly playing it safe. Well that worked well for me when I wasn’t ready to accept myself, but that's now behind me. Ultimately I am cheating myself and those around me by not acting on my thoughts.

But then a funny thing happened this weekend. My university kicked off a 1.6 billion dollar capital campaign in a huge white air conditioned tent (think of a multi-million dollar celebrity wedding)with a lavish evening celebration. Earlier in the day I had seen some of the pretty boy male event planners and even made eye contact with them. I even passed by the hot performers in their tight black tank tops and tights! The highlight of this event was a Cirque du Soleil style performance, which to my delight couldn’t have possibly been any more homoerotic. My favorite part was two incredibly athletic male performers who performed series of elaborate kama sutra style poses where they supported each others body weight. All of this with one performers crotch passing over the other’s face and vice versa! It was truly mind blowing that this was a "family safe" event. They were shirtless and wore tight velvet dance tights, and what wouldn’t I have done to have had the super cute, compactly built crotch rocket?! I guess my university designed the performance to appeal to all demographics, and let me tell you, it worked.

I ended up sitting next to two of my gay friends (what were the odds with 1,800 in attendance) so we talked afterwards over food. The same forward guy who I mentioned in the bbq post was pointing across the room at random campus Casanovas asking if they were my type. I’m all for directness, but seriously man don’t you think I know what I want by now? Guess I need all of the help that I can get and shouldn't pass up any opportunities, but that's bad form. Next time lets be a bit more discrete when the university president is only 5 feet away! It was all good fun, then I met baseball player for dinner with the intent to come out to him. We went to a pedestrian area a couple of miles from campus with an eclectic mix of ethnic restaurants and bars and walked around before settling on the Crescent Moon. Good choice! Something must have been in the air because I continued to make eye contact with passers by, and baseball even proceeded to share with me intimate details about his own life which guys normally don’t talk about. Unfortunately he made a comment that curbed my plans to come out to him, but time is waning. I’ll never live down my squeaky clean reputation if I don’t get the ball rolling. That’s going to take some serious action on my part.

An update on Chase and another lead to come…

Fight on!

There's some good Saturday night entertainment in store with the highly anticipated game this evening. USC, ranked # 1 nationally and projected to dominate the Pac 10, plays Ohio State, ranked #5, at 8:00PM EST tonight! Check it out.

This is an unusual early season match up of two top ranked teams. It should be a very good football game, and the price is certainly right. I'll be wearing the SC colors as an honorary Trojan since both of my parents are alumni, and my university doesn't have a football team.

And I leave you with this image.

Would you like some meat with that?

This has been a week of many firsts for yours truly, and its safe to say that my emotions have spanned the entire spectrum within mere hours! The forces must have been with me on Friday because I still have a huge grin on my face thinking back on it. And no guys, I didn’t get any action. Baby steps, but very important ones at that.

In my architecture class I got to sit right next to my crush, Chase. It’s hard to explain, but this seems to be my first crush that may be reciprocated because I tend to fall for the hot guys at work with whom I don’t have a snowball’s chance. So Chase and I had Logic together last semester, and I thought he was cute, but he always came with Erica Shwartz which lead me to believe he was straight so we never talked or made eye contact. All while he sat one chair over to my left! Fate would have it that he would end up on the Art History Club exec board where I serve as Vice President, and at our first exec meeting of the semester I really came out of my shell because I was excited about the events that I planned, and the two of us went back and forth. Immediately a red flag went off when I realized he had to be gay. Of course I wanted to confirm my intuition on Facebook, finding his profile blocked, but guess who friended me minutes later? That’s right, Chase!!

Moving on, I then met my advisor for lunch at the classy café that’s in the museum on campus. It marked the first time I had eaten there, or met with a professor outside of a strictly academic setting. We ended up talking about everything including the elections, particularly Palin, where I defended my conservative fiscal views, but liberal social views. Out of the blue she asked if I had been dating any guys, and told me how happy her daughter is in her relationship with her lesbian partner! I said the usual “I’m not ready to date yet” stuff (my major hangups), and ran to play indoor tennis. For the first time in four years, and I came to a poignant courtside realization during my rally with a friend. I had spent so much of my life just going through the motions and not really being invested in the moment, and still managed to accomplish a fair amount. I remember taking my weekly tennis lessons and being told I was doing a good job, but I sort of resented my parents for having to do it and wanted it to be overwith. I basically didn’t really apply all of the advice that the coach was giving me, and it all came back during the rally and wow… a sharp mind freed of burdens can do wonders! All of the grips, strokes, footwork, strategy came rushing back! It was so much fun, and I’m back in the swing of things so to speak.

For the coup de etat, I showered and changed into a polo shirt which I left untucked with shorts and flip flops (my best attempt at casual) for the GLBT office sponsored bbq by the pool. This was a major event for me because it physically and metaphorically represents my very first foray into the gay community, albeit within the somewhat sheltered environment of my university. As I made my way up the hill to the pool like the lone wolf, I scanned the scene on the pool deck and freaked out when I didn’t see anyone that I knew. Within seconds I had gone from being calm and composed, and I dare say even slightly confident, to being a basket case sitting on a bench paralyzed! Watching the quaffed pretty boys arriving only made it worse causing me to wonder if I had missed the memo on the GQ-esque dress code with designer jeans, Italian sunglasses, and fitted tops. I ended up texting my roommate who said something to the effect of “I’m here if you want to go home.” Just as I read the message, lo behold, one of my gay friends who I came out to in August came around the corner and I walked in to the bbq laughing with him.

I had finally made it! In semesters passed I would want to go to these types of events, but always got so anxious about not knowing anyone etc. I took in the scene and was amazed that 6 people that I knew were there. They were extremely kind to introduce myself to some of their friends, and it was great fun catching up with them and checking out the people in the peripherary. It turns out that my gaydar is damn good because many of my “suspects” were in attendance including a hot guy in my PE class who I’ll refer to as SC from now on. The highlights including talking to a friend who asked me if anyone there was my type. I chuckled in disbelief, I am quite proper and PC for your info, and laughed before telling him that SC had caught my eye and I told him about Chase. For the majority of the evening, I stood huddled in a triumvirate with two good friends and we discussed everything under the sun. I am a bit ashamed to say that I was wide-eyed with fascination when the discussion turned to who’s with who, confirming suspected gays on campus, and even who was a bad lay. Good grief! As much as I was enjoying exploring this new realm, I was taken aback by a couple of things. One, I have had so much anxiety about going to these events because it’s a very insider type atmosphere with small groups engaging in discussions and there I was in the middle of an impregnable formation turning the bbq into a meat market. Literally I was doing the very things that I had despised! Secondly, I need to take advantage of new opportunities rather than clinging to my comfort zones because I don’t want to seem unapproachable. It’ll be a good way to practice putting myself on a limb!

All in all, lots of interesting firsts. I left to meet my former roommate and close friend who’s on the baseball team, will now refer to him as “baseball player” at his apartment to go on our evening run. The two of us walked past some of the guys that had also been at the bbq, and they gave me kind of a smug look. Is this something anyone is familiar with? Sort of a community greeting? Did they think baseball player and I are together? Haha, as good looking as he is I am just not attracted to him thank goodness. When we approached my apartment complex we saw a Cabrio with lots of people that I had seen at the social, and they too smiled back. Hmm, it’s a small little world!

So now I plan on coming out to baseball player, but want to do it right so that it isn’t awkward between the two of us. He is open minded and in fact, he is the one who encouraged me to do what I enjoy and to stop following my pre-professional path to make other people happy. We shall see, and then there’s scheming about my next move with Chase. Become friends? Hmm, that’s a catch 22 because I really want a relationship not a fling, but at the same time it’s a great excuse for me to not have to put myself out on a limb by just playing it safe and enjoying his company in a no-risks environment.

And so it begins...

I arrive on the blogger scene having greatly benefited from reading about other's experiences as well as receiving advice and encouragement, and I hope to be able to contribute in return. The internet served as a catalyst and inspiration of sorts to muster the courage to come out first to my younger brother in November 2007, then later to my close friends from college over winter break, and finally to my parents just weeks ago in August. Unfortunately, the community that I come from in central California is fairly conservative and not as accepting as one would hope to find in the new millennium. There's always room for improvement, and I believe that all things happen for a reason- both good and bad. Perhaps part of my purpose in life is to expose a relatively sheltered subset of the population to gay people, and to challenge their preconceived notions of homosexuality. I'm certainly up for that challenge in convincing family friends to vote NO on Proposition 8!

During my junior year in college (last year), I came to the painful realization that I had not been in the driver's seat for nearly 22 years! As a very determined and hard working individual I have been extremely fortunate in my young life to have been able to accomplish anything that I set my sights on. Whether it was becoming the president of my elementary school, making the tennis team in high school, or getting into my first choice college it always seemed that the odds were with me. As an outgoing person I always did what others wanted for me so long as it guaranteed respect and good standing in society (along with financial security of course). This faulty pattern of operating finally caught up with me when I found myself dreading law school applications which everyone around me seemed to be more excited about than I was. "Ed, you will make a great lawyer! I can't wait to hear where you apply." I was not emotionally invested in my plans, and for the first time I found myself seriously conflicted. I knew and accepted that it didn't feel right to continue going through the motions, but was terrified of exploring the unknown to discover that I didn't know myself at all. My dreams, ambitions, strengths, passions etc were suddenly up in the air. Of course there was that other minor detail that had been shoved to the back burner- my attraction to guys!

I'm a work in progress as I move closer towards appreciating and respecting my true self, and freeing myself to act on my desires. See, I can be quite the taskmaster who likes to create an illusion of control to avoid anxiety about the future. I find myself at a crossroads of sorts where the real world awaits and I have the opportunity to take advantage of a fresh start. The job search commences this week as I plan to work for a year and half to gain some skills and experience before taking on grad school. Truth to be told, I can't decide if I want to take a major risk and pursue design school to become an interior designer or architect, or if I should play it safe and get a stable graduate degree in my primary major, psychology. Two things are certain: money does not necessarily equate happiness, and I don't ever want to be closeted again.

By writing in this blog I look forward to observing my personal growth over time and having a forum to reflect, discuss, and perhaps even create a dialogue about issues that are important to me as a multi-faceted young gay man. I also hope that others who find themselves in my situation don't feel as alone or unworthy as I once did. Please feel free to reach out anytime, and no question is too stupid or too personal to ask. I'm a caring person who will do everything to help those who can respect me for who I truly was made to be. Last but not least, I hope that I will eventually be able to share this blog with my family and close friends so that they can better understand who I truly am.

Tune in for less serious stuff next time!